Grateful Acres

Yesterday Jonathan, Henry and I went for a glorious walk in the sunshine. Both of them had just gotten up from a great nap, and were well rested,fed, bright eyed and bushy (haired!). Henry was in the stroller and Jonathan walked beside him, with his hand resting on the stroller tray. We hadn't walked very far when Jonathan looked over at Henry and said affectionately, "Hey, buddy." ...if my heart hadn't already melted, Jonathan then proceeded to look back at me and say, "I love you Mommy. I could be a good boy, and you could be happy Momma." Definitely a moment I want to remember forever. As we walked, I thought about how a little boy's curiosity is at it's best outdoors. Henry's curiosity is expressed right now by getting into everything, and Jonathan's through questions: what's that momma, what does it do momma, why does it do that momma, where's it going momma, where did it go momma? (in that order.) While we were walking, H wasn...

I had a thought today: "peace" does not mean that we don't feel pain. Today I had to leave church for a few minutes. I've been feeling a little heavy on the inside (which I think is partially post-pregnancy hormone changes), and this morning it came to the surface. Some of the announcements at church today were really good news. I felt joy for the families with good news, but at the same time I felt the contrast of that joy sitting right next to the pain in my heart. I went outside to take a breath of fresh air and sort out my reaction. I was confused at how good news could make me feel joy and pain at the same time. I sat out in the cool air, alone with my God. I've been praying for peace through all this, and God has been giving it to me. But it does still hurt. As I sat outside, I thought about my recent hospital experience, and about the physical pain I felt during labor. I thought about when I called for my epidural for pain relief... and then I thought abo...

{my heart just seems to be too full to put fully into words... I can't express my gratitude enough for you who are walking with me, and I can't describe to you what I wish I could share. I encourage you to click on the pictures to see them up close- the pictures share the moments much more deeply than words... Admittedly I've been putting off this post. My heart has been spilling over with things I want to write to all of you, but something about sitting down to type those things into text, words, and to collect pictures, is so... real. The things I have physically felt, seen, and emotionally tried to process in the last few days have been so undeniably real. Labor pains, seeing the brokenness of my daughter's tiny body, and now arranging for burial, I simply cannot tuck away in my heart to be dealt with another time. I can't think fluffy thoughts for a little while and pretend life is normal for a bit... I need my God more now than I ever have. Nothi...

If we haven't been for the last 10 or so weeks, right now we are preparing to say goodbye. I heard a whisper in the second before my Dr. placed the ultrasound wand on my belly this afternoon, "she is with Me." I saw her tiny body on the screen and noticed how still she seemed. I held my breath, my heart pounding as we looked for her heart beat. None. She is at rest with her Creator. Soon I will see my beautiful daughter's face. To the world's standards, her body will be very broken. But to God's standards, we will see beauty because she has lived her purpose: to point in honor to her Creator. Pray that my body will have the strength to let my heart treasure each moment we get with her body. To God be the glory!

*some of you may have already read this as a "note" on Facebook. I put it here as well, to keep the pieces of my story all in one place, and also for the readers that are not following through FB. Long Day: I had a bad headache all night last night, and into this morning. After my shower I threw up the crackers I had eaten to settle my stomach (which is still unsettled in the morning). I didn't think much of it, mostly that the headache combined with leftover morning sickness had caused the throwing up... we finished getting ready for the day, packed the troops in the car, and headed to church. Today was potluck so I had brought along some chicken, and the longer we drove, the yuckier it began to smell to me... I asked Josh to pull over, and lost my breakfast. THEN we decided to call the on-call doctor. Headache, nausea, vomiting are all things they had asked me to look out for. Praise God, MY doctor was the one on call today, and she told us it would be best if we came i...

I've been wanting a garden for about 4 years now... last year I planted some herbs in a big planter, and called that a garden. This year, I have bigger plans. Yesterday I spent some very therapeutic hours outside in the afternoon sun- divided between painting furniture (another love of mine), and starting my little garden! I bought a variety of tomatoes, cucumber, zucchini, a couple flowers... my mom gave me some daisy bulbs, and my grandma gave me some mint. Not much, but a start! I don't really have a green thumb, and I know virtually nothing about plants, gardens, etc... but something about planting and growing things, and feeding my family what I grow, has become quite appealing. I think when I garden I feel a sense of "normal" for a little while- I feel like I'm thriving, instead of just surviving. SO, begins my garden.

...this is one Mothers Day I will never forget. My first Mothers Day I desperately wanted to feel like a mother. I was quite pregnant with Jonathan, and considered myself a MOM! I felt like people didn't really consider me a real mom yet, since my baby was still on the inside. This year, 3 years later, I have two little boys: born, energetic, and full of questions! I am pregnant again this Mothers Day, 6 months along. I have only a tiny bump-of-a-tummy, but my heart is Oh, so full. Full of unexplainable joy as I scurry to keep up with the healthy children God gave me. Full of aching agony as I weep for the unhealthy little girl inside me that I long to keep. Full of ever-growing deep appreciation for both my mom and my mother in law, as I look at myself and see that I need them every bit as much now, at age 25, as I needed my Mom as an infant. Jonathan came up to me, unannounced, and threw his arms around my tummy. He squeezed me and whispered to my tiny bump: " I love you,...

Boy, where do I start this time? I think I will just be sporadic, with excerpts from an email to dear friends, and some thoughts I want to write about while they are fresh. This post may not be for the faint of heart... grab a cup of tea before reading on. I woke up at 6 this morning to some bleeding (not much, but definitely enough to know it was blood). I felt a trickle as I woke up, and more as I stood. I used the toilet and confirmed what I felt. I sat in the bathroom and breathed out loud, "okay..." My head and my heart began to race. We already had scheduled the Dr.'s first appointment of the day, so I got in the shower to pray, cry, and prepare for the day. I prayed that God would walk closely with me. I prayed that God would receive Evelyn with sweet music and roses. I told God how afraid I was of the coming hours, and most fervently I prayed that God would prepare my husband to hear of my bleeding (he was still asleep). After my shower I told Josh, and t...