Grateful Acres

As I write this, I'm sitting eating chocolate, and feeling very female, and a little bit pregnant. :) I do have peace about little Evelyn. God is in control. ...but some days are still hard. Yesterday I felt a little... melancholy. After I put the kids to bed, I let my heart and mind face what I had been avoiding all day: fear and grief. I let my mind think about the worst possibilities-- the thought of birthing a baby that held no life, the unknown length of time that I get to carry her (could be another day, or could be 4 more months), and what scares me the most is if she beats the medical odds and lives past birth, but only for a few months and with great deformity. Part of me would be grateful for each moment I would get to see her, be with her, care for her- and part of me thinks that maybe my heart couldn't handle that much grief- this time is hard, and I imagine that would be even more so: the attachment and letting go. By the time my husband got home from Youth Group ...

Evelyn has changed everything. She has changed the way I think, the way I see my boys, the way I approach people, and most importantly she has changed my understanding of the depth of God's love. Yesterday the teacher at our church taught on John 3:16... which I have heard hundreds of times. BUT- yesterday (and today!), and from now on, it means more to me. The verse says this, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son..." WHAT?!?! I've heard that, quoted that, referenced that, but now, being asked to give up one of MY children, I see just a little more deeply how God loves me. Having felt the searing pain of being asked to give up a child, my response is so different to reading again that God CHOSE to give up His only child! ...and for me, the little girl I'm being asked to give up will go straight from the safety of my womb to the permanent safety of His arms (unless God gives us a miracle!). But for God, when He gave up Jesus, He sent Him here, kn...

It's time to write about Evelyn Rose. We knew I was pregnant around Thanksgiving 2010 (no test, we just knew!). We waited to tell family until Christmas, and had our first Dr. appointment in January '11. In march we had an ultrasound and discovered we were having a girl! After a couple hours of high excitement and celebration over our coming baby girl, I received a phone call from our Doctor. She had hard news for me- that our little girl was very small, and her brain was not forming right. We scheduled an ultrasound with a specialist, and prayed deeply for a week, for healing. During that week I prepared myself for a miracle, and also reached a place where I was overjoyed to take care of her, regardless of her condition. I did not prepare myself to lose her. At our next appointment we met with a "genetic counselor", and I let most of what she said roll off of me, thinking it would not apply to us. We loved seeing her during the ultrasound- her feet, hands, face, eye...