Evelyn has changed everything. She has changed the way I think, the way I see my boys, the way I approach people, and most importantly she has changed my understanding of the depth of God's love.
Yesterday the teacher at our church taught on John 3:16... which I have heard hundreds of times. BUT- yesterday (and today!), and from now on, it means more to me. The verse says this,
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son..." WHAT?!?! I've heard that, quoted that, referenced that, but now, being asked to give up one of MY children, I see just a little more deeply how God loves me. Having felt the searing pain of being asked to give up a child, my response is so different to reading again that God CHOSE to give up His only child! ...and for me, the little girl I'm being asked to give up will go straight from the safety of my womb to the permanent safety of His arms (unless God gives us a miracle!). But for God, when He gave up Jesus, He sent Him here, knowing he would die a brutal, public, shameful, undeserved death. God knew that Jesus would be mocked his whole life, even though He was the Son of God. And God still chose to give up His Son, to prove to us His love. Jesus agreed to it, because He loves us THAT MUCH. I would NEVER CHOOSE to give up a child of mine, much less my only one. And I especially would never, for a people like us- selfish, greedy, so easily straying...
But that's what makes God incredible. That is why I still have hope. I pray for a miracle, but my HOPE rests in the knowledge that God has already proven His love to me. I have no doubt that God sees me, and sees my daughter. And in the same way that many of you weep as you share our pain (especially you mothers who have already lost!), God weeps to see our pain too. But He knows we are in pain, and won't leave. He will carry me through, and carry Evelyn through, no matter what that looks like- and so we have hope, and peace.
As I write this, Evelyn is still tucked inside me. Occasionally I feel her wiggle, and last night I felt a real-feeling kick. I praise God for each day of her life!
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ReplyDeleteThank You, Anna.
ReplyDeleteJoy
Thank you for sharing, Anna. Love you.
ReplyDeleteAnna, thank you! When Dad learned his illness was terminal apart from a miracle, he said, "How can we doubt the Lord's love when He has proven it at Calvary? "But God demonstrated His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us." I'm confident the way you are trusting Him with your precious daughter delights His heart. He does know each pain, each sorrow, each tear, and each of those moments matters so much to Him! Thanks for sharing your heart, and your love for our Lord Jesus Christ!
ReplyDeleteI have thought about that verse a few times since my miscarriage and it never ceases to amaze me how much God loves us! I can't imagine being willing to do that either! We are praying for you!
ReplyDeleteAnna, you have such a beautiful heart! God is surely pleased with you "my faithful servant"! Such a very strong woman of Christ! Along with Josh! PRAISE GOD for feeling the movements and kicks inside your womb! What a wonderful feeling and even more hope and faith to follow with each day and each moment with her!
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