Skip to main content

One

The night before her first birthday I had some trouble. I nursed her extra long, and then held her long after she had fallen asleep. Around eleven-thirty I finally mustered up the resolve to bring her up to her bed... but that's as far as I got. In the dark I held, and rocked, her sleeping body. I felt each little breath, squeezed her growing legs, brushed her wispy hair away from her eyes. I rocked her, though she was way past conscious, hanging on to the last minutes of her first year. I stood over her crib and squeezed her little footie-pajama'd body, and my eyes began to sting. I don't want this to end! It's gone too fast. Please, just a little more baby-time with her...

Finally I laid her down and closed her door, marking the end of a beautiful, indescribable first year with my daughter.

We gave her a baby doll for her first birthday. It brought back memories of my own baby doll. I remember exactly what mine looked like, and much detail of the dress I kept her in. The dress was covered in tiny, blue rosebuds, and her head, arms and legs were real-looking plastic. Her body was skin colored fabric, stuffed with stuffing except for her bum which was beans. I remember the little dimples in her fingers and elbows, her painted blue eyes and pink lips. I remember how it felt to hold her, and the curious connection to my future that I felt when I played with her. I knew that playing with a baby doll was different than legos or coloring books, but as a child that difference was intangible.

The other day I handed Ruby her baby doll, and she grabbed it with both hands. She wrapped her little arms around it and stuffed it up close to her face. Then the kids and I went out for a walk and I let Ruby keep the doll with her in the stroller. She kept it hugged up close, and you could see she felt something. Occasionally she would dangle it out the side by one arm, but then yank it up to her and hug it close again, and the same look would appear on her face. She feels that mystery that I felt!

Each time I see Roo hug her babydoll, it reminds me that there is SO MUCH to come. I still ache a little, knowing the baby months are fleeting, but the glimpses into the coming years of girl-hood help me to let go.

Headlong into her second year, we plunge!
opening her gift

it's a....

what's dis mommy?

ohhhhh

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pendulum

Boy, where do I start this time? I think I will just be sporadic, with excerpts from an email to dear friends, and some thoughts I want to write about while they are fresh. This post may not be for the faint of heart... grab a cup of tea before reading on. I woke up at 6 this morning to some bleeding (not much, but definitely enough to know it was blood). I felt a trickle as I woke up, and more as I stood. I used the toilet and confirmed what I felt. I sat in the bathroom and breathed out loud, "okay..." My head and my heart began to race. We already had scheduled the Dr.'s first appointment of the day, so I got in the shower to pray, cry, and prepare for the day. I prayed that God would walk closely with me. I prayed that God would receive Evelyn with sweet music and roses. I told God how afraid I was of the coming hours, and most fervently I prayed that God would prepare my husband to hear of my bleeding (he was still asleep). After my shower I told Josh, and t...
3 comments
Read more

Small Victory

I have a small victory to share with you:  Let me give some context... I blogged about the loss of children recently, verbally stomping my feet and telling the enemy that I will have no more of it- and that I have chosen my side and refuse to budge. The children God has given me "on loan" are all so different... Jonathan was an easy baby, and is currently a whirl-wind 3 1/2 yr old- he is FULL of energy, curiosity, music, rythm, he is friendly, relational, deep (yes, deep!), always thinking, processing, talking... He knows about God and that Jesus is real, and he knows that his baby sister Evelyn is safe with Jesus. Henry was a difficult baby, and is an easy 2 yr-old!  He adores his  brother and wants to be where he is, he gives AMAZING hugs, likes to be held, likes books, connects quickly with people, is caring, noisy, talkative, fast... and still has his innocence. He likes to pray. Evelyn has changed my life more than anything. Her body was tiny, but her exis...
11 comments
Read more

The Snag

  Are you tired of hearing about sickness yet?      Seems like a swirl of illness has been making its way through all the pods of community around us. Despite all our elderberry and all the home remedies this grow-your-own geek Mama could muster, the germs entered our household too.    The big ones were down first, a sister shortly after. Then the Little Bear, and Papa Bear. One sister and I escaped, and eventually even the combination of our introverted selves and a can't-go-anywhere week finally gave way to some restlessness. She began begging to be dropped off at a friend's house, and I think I inwardly begged the same- ha!    I hadn't quite counted the cost of it all. The week wrapped up, and the nights settled, but the sour and the "hey Mama"s continued. All of a sudden my heart began to resist. The quiet, restful days had been nice for a little while. I got some projects done that I don't have time for during full-swing school at the table. ...
Post a Comment
Read more