With Hope

...aren't these boys precious? This was taken Easter morning- the day we CELEBRATE that God gave up his child for us.

I feel it's time to post again. Thursday of this week we have another detailed ultrasound with a specialist. We will be going back to the same office where the Doctors confirmed our daughter's deformities, and told us to go home and wait for her to die. These are the Doctors that we spoke boldly to, of our God- the creator of life, giver of children, our purpose, our hope. When I left that office 6 weeks ago, it was my prayer that when I returned, it would either be to prove a miracle, or to rejoice in the gift of another child, growing healthy. I didn't expect to make it this far with little Evelyn, given what they told us before. I don't think they expected to see us back in 6 weeks, either. I intend to continue proclaiming my God to these Doctors, and Thursday I will get another chance to, even in the midst of pain. Pray that the words out of my mouth point directly to the goodness and Sovereignty of my God.
I also have some more specific prayer requests. Until now all we've known to pray for is a miracle in Evelyn's body, and peace for our hearts. We do know now that Evelyn is "transverse lie" which means she's tucked in sideways. She's not head up (breach) or head down (ideal!), her little head is on my right side, with her feet right under my belly button. Since she has such a tiny little bubble in my womb, it's quite unlikely that she will move positions. She's been this way since our gender-revealing ultrasound 7 weeks ago. What this means is that the birth process most likely will be complicated. She is small enough now that my body could probably birth her in the position she's in, but not if she continues to grow much more. It is my heart's desire to have all my children the "normal" way- even the ones that come after Evelyn. I would gladly give that up, though, for her life. The next scenario in line is if she grows to be too big to be birthed "normally", a C section would also be complicated. For a C section it is ideal to have the incision be horizontal, and as low as possible. The lower part of the uterus is the strongest (would heal the best), and the upper part has muscle (which has difficulty healing). All this wouldn't matter if we didn't want to have more children. BUT, if the Doctors have to slice open my body instead of Evelyn coming on her own, it's too early in pregnancy to reach that ideal spot for a C section. This means that the kind of C section they would have to perform at this point would make it difficult to carry our future children to term (uterine muscle may not heal to be strong enough to hold the weight, or make it through labor again). ...and any other medical procedure options are too graphic for a public blog, and frankly too hard on my heart.
After pleading for a miracle, and begging God to walk closely with my husband and I and our two boys, please pray that little Evelyn's physical entrance to our arms would be one of peace, and not one of hard decisions and heartbreak.
Our prayers have changed so much in the last 7 weeks. We have come from demanding complete healing to praying fervently for life in any condition, and now we are asking that if God really is going to take her, that He make it peaceful, and preserve my body with the hope of being further blessed with children. All new prayers for me.
God is still in control. He is still sovereign, still loves us way beyond what we understand.
This is still my motto:
No matter how hard the road ahead of us may be, we will get through WITH HOPE because of the God that walks with us.

One more prayer: I have been so richly blessed by all of you- I feel your prayers, and your words keep my heart and my thoughts aimed the right way. Please pray with your whole hearts that God would line up a similar support system for Josh. He carries so much for me and our boys, and I would love to see someone walk beside him through this, as he walks beside me. Thank you for everything, church.