I've been talking with my kids about how sin destroys relationship. God's list of "do-not"s aren't for us to have religious rules to follow, but to guide us into hurting others less. If we skim over the 10 Commandments, the heart behind each of them is to protect the hearts of others: do not steal, do not envy, do not murder...
I've been teaching my kids that when they are selfish or mean with each other that it damages their "buddy-ness", and when they are disobedient or disrespectful to me, it damages our relationship too. I've been guiding them into going back and repairing relationships when they realize that they have damaged them.
A week or so ago I had a particularly rough morning with one of them, and the yuck piled up. As we clashed, worked it out, clashed, worked it out, each time a little remnant of "yuck" was left behind. I began to get discouraged, feeling the strain that all that discipline was putting on our relationship. Another situation arose and I sent Little Mister up to his bed for a bit, instructing him that when I called him down I would let him know what his consequence would be. He knew he had it coming, and he dragged himself wearily up the stairs.
I plopped myself down on the couch, racking my brain for a creative way to set him back on the right path. "YOU bridge the gap this time, my daughter."
What do you mean, Father God?
"Call him down, and love on him. Give him grace, erase what he's done. Fix the relationship FOR him."
What about consistency? Won't that be letting him get away with it?
"Sometimes the 'yuck' piles up so high that his little heart can't fix the relationship on it's own. But YOU can. You are his parent, and your heart is bigger, and you can teach him about grace. It's what I've done for YOU."
Blown away, I called Little Mister down. Slowly, one step at a time, he plunked his way down.
"What is it, Mommy?" (you could see the dread in his face)
I want you to come snuggle with me.
"But what is my consequence?"
Snuggles.
"What?"
I want you to snuggle with me.
"...what?"
Let's start all over, sweet boy. Climb on my lap, let's forget all the "yuck", and just be close for awhile. I'm not going to give you a consequence this time, I'm going to give you grace.
He came close and climbed up on me. His sweaty hair pressed against my neck, and as I held him close all the "yuck" dripped away. I told him I love him, and he began to soften.
"Come to me like this, again and again my daughter. I have volunteered to wash away your sin and fix our relationship. You don't need to do anything, just draw near and let my grace wash over you."
Of course our sins have consequences, and of course we must train our children. But in the middle of that is grace- powerful, repairing GRACE.
Pull me a little closer
take me a little deeper
I want to know Your heart
I want to know Your heart
'cause your love is so much sweeter
than anything I've tasted
I want to know your heart
I want to know your heart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTUWO636_-c
I've been teaching my kids that when they are selfish or mean with each other that it damages their "buddy-ness", and when they are disobedient or disrespectful to me, it damages our relationship too. I've been guiding them into going back and repairing relationships when they realize that they have damaged them.
A week or so ago I had a particularly rough morning with one of them, and the yuck piled up. As we clashed, worked it out, clashed, worked it out, each time a little remnant of "yuck" was left behind. I began to get discouraged, feeling the strain that all that discipline was putting on our relationship. Another situation arose and I sent Little Mister up to his bed for a bit, instructing him that when I called him down I would let him know what his consequence would be. He knew he had it coming, and he dragged himself wearily up the stairs.
I plopped myself down on the couch, racking my brain for a creative way to set him back on the right path. "YOU bridge the gap this time, my daughter."
What do you mean, Father God?
"Call him down, and love on him. Give him grace, erase what he's done. Fix the relationship FOR him."
What about consistency? Won't that be letting him get away with it?
"Sometimes the 'yuck' piles up so high that his little heart can't fix the relationship on it's own. But YOU can. You are his parent, and your heart is bigger, and you can teach him about grace. It's what I've done for YOU."
Blown away, I called Little Mister down. Slowly, one step at a time, he plunked his way down.
"What is it, Mommy?" (you could see the dread in his face)
I want you to come snuggle with me.
"But what is my consequence?"
Snuggles.
"What?"
I want you to snuggle with me.
"...what?"
Let's start all over, sweet boy. Climb on my lap, let's forget all the "yuck", and just be close for awhile. I'm not going to give you a consequence this time, I'm going to give you grace.
He came close and climbed up on me. His sweaty hair pressed against my neck, and as I held him close all the "yuck" dripped away. I told him I love him, and he began to soften.
"Come to me like this, again and again my daughter. I have volunteered to wash away your sin and fix our relationship. You don't need to do anything, just draw near and let my grace wash over you."
Of course our sins have consequences, and of course we must train our children. But in the middle of that is grace- powerful, repairing GRACE.
Pull me a little closer
take me a little deeper
I want to know Your heart
I want to know Your heart
'cause your love is so much sweeter
than anything I've tasted
I want to know your heart
I want to know your heart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTUWO636_-c
You would love the book grace based parenting by Tim Kimmel. We also love Families Where Grace is in Place. I loved your post, it was a great reminder that sometime we do think consequences are the most important when reaching our child heart; its exciting when God parents us in the midst of our parenting!
ReplyDeleteSally Clarkson is a woman i look up to dearly. She has a blog called I take joy, http://www.itakejoy.com/