Skip to main content

Slowly, patiently, firsthand

My oh my it's been awhile!  I've been away for several reasons:

One, it's difficult to type while nursing. :)

Two, there have been only brief, unexpected moments lately where my house and my heart are quiet enough to write.

God has been walking so, so closely. So close that I feel Him calling daily, so close that I'm addicted to our time together. It's new for me, this craving Him more than anything else.

He's teaching me how to pray like a warrior- with my sword drawn. He's lingering nearby to watch me battle in His name, whispering over and over that He has already won... that I am a warrior not for fear of defeat, but for the shaping of my own heart. And because He won for ME, He wants me to learn to claim His territory.

The battle is in my mind: a mixture of daily, REAL things, and thoughts/feelings that don't belong.

7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

I've been wrestling to claim that "power", "love", and "sound mind" that belongs to me. Fear hides it's self in crafty, inconspicuous ways... fear of failure, fear of messing up my kids, fear of hard things, fear of crazy, overwhelming, everyone-crying-at-once moments, fear of being unappreciated, fear of being judged, fear of acknowledging to the world how intensely difficult raising 4 kids and all that comes with adult life can be, fear of being passed by, passed over, left out. 

I stand taller, bolder, victorious when I am wielding my sword in prayer. I walk more in unison with my Creator when I have participated in the battle. In seasons where I have known that He was (notice the past tense) victorious at the cross, but passively chosen not to claim that for TODAY, I have been so vulnerable to those sneaky fears. In creep the lies, in tiny little ways, and slowly my head gets noisier...

"This is so hard, you must be doing it wrong. Other moms enjoy every day with their kids, and all you do is train and teach and clean. Your husband doesn't know or appreciate all you do. Your life is harder than other peoples. "

Part of my battle is asking God daily to teach me to hear only His voice. All of those things are lies, but oh, so believable when I lose focus. Any one of those thoughts sends me awry, which sends my kids awry, and unplugs my prayer/encouragement support for my husband. If I believe one, just one, then I start to see only the clutter, disorder, the difficult, and begin to accidentally speak death and failure into all my endeavors.

I'm addicted to time with God because it puts everything back into place. I can lean in to who He is, and my shortcomings don't matter anymore. He has become a friend, a mentor, a safe place, the meaning behind everything. His love and grace are barely describable, and most definitely not of this world.

Slowly, patiently, firsthand, He is teaching me His ways, and I'm blown away.

What a mighty God we serve!

 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Snag

  Are you tired of hearing about sickness yet?      Seems like a swirl of illness has been making its way through all the pods of community around us. Despite all our elderberry and all the home remedies this grow-your-own geek Mama could muster, the germs entered our household too.    The big ones were down first, a sister shortly after. Then the Little Bear, and Papa Bear. One sister and I escaped, and eventually even the combination of our introverted selves and a can't-go-anywhere week finally gave way to some restlessness. She began begging to be dropped off at a friend's house, and I think I inwardly begged the same- ha!    I hadn't quite counted the cost of it all. The week wrapped up, and the nights settled, but the sour and the "hey Mama"s continued. All of a sudden my heart began to resist. The quiet, restful days had been nice for a little while. I got some projects done that I don't have time for during full-swing school at the table. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Small Victory

I have a small victory to share with you:  Let me give some context... I blogged about the loss of children recently, verbally stomping my feet and telling the enemy that I will have no more of it- and that I have chosen my side and refuse to budge. The children God has given me "on loan" are all so different... Jonathan was an easy baby, and is currently a whirl-wind 3 1/2 yr old- he is FULL of energy, curiosity, music, rythm, he is friendly, relational, deep (yes, deep!), always thinking, processing, talking... He knows about God and that Jesus is real, and he knows that his baby sister Evelyn is safe with Jesus. Henry was a difficult baby, and is an easy 2 yr-old!  He adores his  brother and wants to be where he is, he gives AMAZING hugs, likes to be held, likes books, connects quickly with people, is caring, noisy, talkative, fast... and still has his innocence. He likes to pray. Evelyn has changed my life more than anything. Her body was tiny, but her exis...
11 comments
Read more

Windows

I've been working on allowing God to walk the dusty corners of my heart- places that have seemed foundational, and therefore needed to stay unchanged so that the structure of my heart wouldn't be threatened. As God gently earns more and more of my trust, I allow Him into those places because I trust that the changes He makes will not crush me. I trust that as he walks my dusty corners He will pull aside heavy drapes, flooding sunlight through windows I did not know were there. It becomes a beautiful experience, full of discovery and fresh freedom and light. Somewhere along the line I disconnected between head and heart that God is very, very wealthy. I felt stuck in my humanity, limited by what I, as a human, am capable of. I could only earn as much money as the amount of work I did, I could only reach as many people as I "witnessed" to, I would only be good at something if I put in hard, hard practice hours. Self control became not a fruit of the SPIRIT, but a ...
Post a Comment
Read more