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to let Him love on me





Several handfuls of years ago God asked me to live my life with my heart open to other people. He wanted (wants!) me to let people see into me and watch Him change and grow me. This is why I wrote openly, in real-time while carrying the daughter we didn't get to keep. This is why I have written about motherhood, and the crazy, life-changing places God has taken my heart.

I knew writing this album would be a new volume of living open, but I had no idea the extent! I'm learning that I squirm pretty deeply when I have to be messy in front of people. I'm okay with sharing that I have mess, had mess, but BEING messy in front of anyone but my man is quite uncomfortable.

Sharing original music with friends is like opening up the deepest of myself, and spilling out my mess for them. Allowing friends to help with the refining of my music is like allowing them to wade through my vulnerable places, turn things over, and move my piles of... mess.

This is requiring a whole new level of vulnerable from my overly introverted self!

God has been ever present with me, like He always is. He is using this constant, unavoidable vulnerability to draw me deeper in. He is teaching me to really, REALLY draw my identity and security and purpose and hope from Him alone. I NEED to rely on Him for it all to navigate this much all at once, to move at this pace, and to allow others to walk deep into the quiet places where I meet with Him. With each breath in and each lyric out, I need Him.

I also need this to be His project. I can write melodies and put words in a row, but it would all be for nothing if He doesn't breathe on and through it. I think that's why He has me in a place of utter reliance on Him through this season... so that it's His breath in my lungs.

It's really scary, vulnerable, and unknown to let go and jump (over and over!), but I would miss out on so much of Him if I didn't.

He asked me something new a few weeks ago.

He asked me to remember to spend time with Him just... to spend time with Him. In the crazy of it all, He doesn't want me to always come to Him with an agenda, or asking for a mission.

"Hi... what do you think about this song? How should we shape the sound to communicate Your heart?"

"Hi... this all seems like a lot- it's You, right?"

He wants me to come and lean in and rest. He wants me to scoot close and ask Him what's on His mind. He wants to love on me, not just love through me. He's not only about what He can do through me, He wants me to sit still long enough to let Him love on ME.
This request, like His request of me to live open, isn't just for this season- it's for this life. I trust Him, and I've said yes. Yes to time alone with Him, letting Him love on me.

Thank you to the people that have been covering this in prayer. I often feel the power in your prayers. Thank you to the people that have jumped headlong into this with me, especially my husband. Thank you to the people who have invested- none of it goes to a kingdom here on earth. Every penny is to cover the cost of recording.

I can hardly wait to share this project with you!

Most of my updates are on Instagram:

@xanna_the_warrior_princess
#theunfolding

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