Grateful Acres

First, I want to express what JOY it was to be near a dear friend as she delivered her first, beautiful baby yesterday... what a privilege to see him (and her!!) less than an hour after delivery, still swept up in the intense miracle of it all! I never get tired of witnessing the first hours :) Next I hope to express some thoughts that've been rattling around my heart for a while. I had a moment of what I'm calling "inner-mom-panic" recently, in which I thought of my sweet Evelyn (who was born 9 1/2 months ago now!). I was thinking of her, and imagining how she must be now- whole, crawling, happy! And then the moment of panic: who is feeding her? who is giving her baths? who rocks her to sleep? WHO IS RAISING MY BABY??  I felt this irrational, desperate desire to ensure that she wasn't alone, unloved, uncared for. I've never had a child that I didn't raise myself... that I wasn't the one peeking in at them after they were asleep, that I wasn't th...

This afternoon I sat on my couch, buried in a pile of laundry, with one of my new favorite shows on... the show is about singers auditioning on a huge stage, hoping to "live their dream"... As I lifted a GIANT pair of footy-pajamas, and began to fold them, I was taken back to a sweet moment over 4 years ago: I think I wasn't even pregnant with Jonathan yet, when someone gave Josh & I a box of baby boy clothes. The family was done having babies and wanted to pass the clothes on (little did we know that we'd have two boys in a row!). Josh and I sat on the couch and lifted each little onesie out of the box, to pick out the ones we thought we'd use someday. It felt strange to hold baby clothes, unfamiliar, but with this tingling sense of wonder... and lots of thoughts of "someday!".  I remember holding a tiny, blue, footied sleeper up in the air, and being able to almost imagine the tiny body that would someday fill it. Back to that show I was watch...

I've begun this post several times, and I'm just not sure I can get the words out right... it makes sense in my head, so bear with me. I've spent so, so much time watching the people I love grieve. I've watched them reel at the shock and horror of brutal, unexpected loss, which gave way to more loss. My husband and his family have been through now 4 losses in the last 6 years: murder, suicide, Evelyn's still birth, and now they are in the muck of it all again, having just lost their oldest and most respected member. There's no way to describe what I feel as I sit with them in an oddly still room, surrounding someone they freshly lost, all of them still in shock and horror at what they had just seen. There are no words for watching their bodies and hearts wretch with each wave of pain that comes... tall, strong men bent in grief, wrinkled and fresh faces both twisted with pain that will only fade with time. As I look in their eyes, dull and numb with it all, ...