Grateful Acres

This morning I sat in church and reflected on the last few Mothers Days... A funny tid-bit I realized is that I have been pregnant on Mothers Day FOUR times! My first Mothers day was confusing for my heart. I was 8 months pregnant with Jonathan, and considered myself a mom! Life begins at conception, and a pregnant Momma is giving all her strength and energy to her baby... but not everyone sees it that way. The next year Jonathan was almost 1, and I was 5 months pregnant with Henry. The next year I had my boys, and was not pregnant (haha, you might be a mom if... you measure passing years with whether you were pregnant or not :) ). I thought a lot about last year: last year I was still carrying Evelyn. Last year was such a strange paradox of pain and blessing... I was so surrounded by life in my little boys, and so close to tasting Evelyn's death. I'm so, so grateful that I got to hold her on the inside on one Mothers Day. Evelyn's birthday is this Friday, and I p...

I've been feeling a post brewing for a few weeks now... my words aren't clear yet, but my heart is full enough tonight that I'm going to try writing and see what happens. I'm taking a parenting class through my church right now. I realized recently that I studied theory in college to be more well equipped in music (that and I didn't care about much else :)), I took marriage counseling before getting married, and have been offered birthing classes during pregnancy... but I didn't do much reading up on raising kids before having them :) **and they don't come with instruction manuals** Anyway, I've been really deeply chewing on the concepts and material we're studying. I've been processing and praying about punishment vs. consequences, approach, how things affect kids psychologically long term, how to teach responsibility and grace at the same time, how to be nurturing and firm, and occasionally spiraling into a mild amount of panic that I may, ...

Often I pass by "inspirational quotes", labeling myself as a bit of a skeptic... Today one grabbed my attention because I feel it labels the season I'm in spiritually right now: Refuse to be content with just the knowledge of God- insist on experiencing His presence. I copied it onto a little green notecard, "put-a-bird-on-it", and it's sitting on my kitchen counter, adorned with a little paper clip given to me by Caitlin Hooper (http://ckp.showitsite.com/)... ready to remind me to be in with both feet daily. "Experiencing God's presence" is new for me- REALLY FEELING IT. I used to write off the idea as "emotionalism", but then I realized that our relationship with God is like a marriage- if we mumble "luv ya" once in awhile, but there is never any passionate expression of that love... is the love really there? We must passionately express how we feel about God to Him. And in that moment, we "experience God's ...

First, I want to express what JOY it was to be near a dear friend as she delivered her first, beautiful baby yesterday... what a privilege to see him (and her!!) less than an hour after delivery, still swept up in the intense miracle of it all! I never get tired of witnessing the first hours :) Next I hope to express some thoughts that've been rattling around my heart for a while. I had a moment of what I'm calling "inner-mom-panic" recently, in which I thought of my sweet Evelyn (who was born 9 1/2 months ago now!). I was thinking of her, and imagining how she must be now- whole, crawling, happy! And then the moment of panic: who is feeding her? who is giving her baths? who rocks her to sleep? WHO IS RAISING MY BABY??  I felt this irrational, desperate desire to ensure that she wasn't alone, unloved, uncared for. I've never had a child that I didn't raise myself... that I wasn't the one peeking in at them after they were asleep, that I wasn't th...

 --- I had church tonight. :) Tomorrow I'm scheduled for nursery, and I had been complaining to God that I was bummed to be missing church. I've been feeling a little drained, like I'm pouring out more than what's getting poured in. I know lots of you identify... The boys are 2 and 3, and in what I call a "season of intense training". I don't use the terms, "terrible twos" and the like, because I don't see it that way. During this stage of development kids realize that there are options- they test boundaries, and retest them, and find more creative ways to try to get around them... but it's so important that we EMBRACE the training that is needed during this time, rather than just SURVIVE it. During age 2 and 3 we are laying the foundation for the rest of their childhood- outlining clearly, in black, mega-sharpie both what we expect of our children, and what kind of relationship we are willing to offer them. All that to say, I'v...

Church was super great today. Several families brought fresh babies to introduce to everyone (and we got to visit a just-born baby in the hospital over the weekend!), AND we were told great news of a pregnancy that wasn't thought possible this week! Josh told the church (most already knew through FB...) about our current pregnancy (coming up on 10 weeks!), and we all corporately rejoiced at the flood of life and fertility that God has unleashed on our community! We certainly haven't forgotten about the losses we have sustained, and our hearts remember the ache of the little ones so many of us were asked to surrender. During one of the songs, the background behind the lyrics on the screen was a picture of a little girl praying. She looked 5-ish, had her hands folded and her eyes closed, and her brown hair surrounded her face. My heart went immediately to a certain little brown-haired girl growing up in the presence of her Creator. I remembered vividly the paradox of ache and pea...

...woah, two posts in a row! :) Today I had some sweet moments with the boys God is lending me. Henry is my early riser (early has been transformed-after much diligent...diligentness- from 5:45 to more like 6:30 or occasionally later). I've been making it a point to be up before the boys when possible, but during the morning-sick stage of pregnancy, I've deemed it "not possible", so I've been waking up to little clunking noises through the baby monitor. Henry used to get up and stand in front of the door and cry (since it's dark still...), but as he grows he has started to go for the toy cupboard and pull out bins of motorcycles and race cars. I try to catch him as quickly as I can and depending on the time, either ask him to lay in his bed a little longer or whisk him away to let brother sleep. This morning it was in the window of "lay in his bed a little longer", so I got him tucked back into the soft darkness, and camped out on the floor outside ...

...It's time to tell the Devil he's barking up the wrong tree. Do what you will to me, I AM NOT SWITCHING SIDES. Hand me the sorrows and loss you have intended to destroy me, I WILL NOT DENY MY CREATOR. I've blogged about this before, but it's time again. There have been too many children lost in our community. Accidents, still births, and lots and lots of miscarriages. It's STILL happening! I know a portion of that is "just life", but the frequency and depth of sorrow we are seeing, leads me to believe that the enemy has his eye on us. I don't know theologically how that all works out,  but I do see a pattern. A dear friend  of mine reminded me just the other day of the times in the Bible when the killing of children occurred: RIGHT BEFORE SOMETHING GREAT. Think of when Israel was enslaved to Egypt. Orders were given to kill all male, Hebrew babies. Lots and lots of babies were killed! But Moses survived and in partnering with God, years later f...