Nearly three years!

{Nearly three years have gone by! I clicked on this old blog of mine today, and as I looked at it's single post I was flooded by what has come, gone, and stayed with me over the last [nearly] three years! A few dear loved ones have gone, Jonathan and Henry [my wild, sweet sons!] have come, and my gentle, funny husband has stayed wholeheartedly by my side. What rich blessing I have experienced!

{I want to change as time goes by. Change means growth, learning, and hopefully wisdom! In 2008 I experienced intensely the parallel between God & us, and me and my first son, Jonathan. I understood, in a small way, why God chose to throw all of life in existence out of balance and order, just to love us! ...I would do the same for my children, in a heartbeat. In 2008 I felt joy, grace, and blessing.

{Change doesn't always come by feeling happy feelings, though. 2009 has brought growth by a different means. I was challenged and stretched in that year. My husband and I gave up our living situation to invest in our next landing-point [a house we will rent for awhile from his parents], following God's leading. In Sept. 2009 we had our 2nd son, Henry James Josef. Life moved into the fast lane! I learned to lean on God because I had to, not just because I was "supposed to".

{God always comes through. In 2010 I have seen in so many ways how God responds when I quietly, in my heart, bring my "pack-pack" [as Jonathan calls them] to Him, and hold nothing back. He cares for my deepest, most hidden heart movements. And in that caring, He responds when I let Him. This year I have been seeing God move because I have been looking for Him.

{This picture is November 2010}

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Small Victory

I have a small victory to share with you: Let me give some context... I blogged about the loss of children recently, verbally stomping my feet and telling the enemy that I will have no more of it- and that I have chosen my side and refuse to budge. The children God has given me "on loan" are all so different... Jonathan was an easy baby, and is currently a whirl-wind 3 1/2 yr old- he is FULL of energy, curiosity, music, rythm, he is friendly, relational, deep (yes, deep!), always thinking, processing, talking... He knows about God and that Jesus is real, and he knows that his baby sister Evelyn is safe with Jesus. Henry was a difficult baby, and is an easy 2 yr-old! He adores his brother and wants to be where he is, he gives AMAZING hugs, likes to be held, likes books, connects quickly with people, is caring, noisy, talkative, fast... and still has his innocence. He likes to pray. Evelyn has changed my life more than anything. Her body was tiny, but her exis...

Thank You

Thank you for walking alongside us, and for deeply crying out to God on our behalf. Tonight Josh and I held eachother with shaking arms, unable to breathe in our pain, with hot tears and groanings, deeper than we ever have. God is walking closely with us, teaching us, holding us. Thank you for being part of that. I can still feel little Evelyn Rose, she is still alive and moving- a continued miracle. As I sat down to pass on a little of this to some of you, here in the wee hours of the morning... in my husband's big sweatshirt, still wiping tears and snot on his sleeves (hope he doesn't mind... I'll just wash this sweatshirt before I give it back to him :) ), I had a photo file open on my desktop. I saw sweet little faces. Sweet, perfect little faces. What a joy and a privilege to raise two wild, wonderful boys. They are turning into such buddies, learning to appreciate eachother and play together instead of fighting, pushing, crying. They are innocent, energetic, curiou...

Beautiful Redemption

This weekend I tasted sweet, sweet intentional redemption from our Father... Last year I went to Women of Faith with my mom and her church. I went expecting to release the last of my sorrow over losing Evelyn. The band Selah was there, and they represent a lot of what happened in my heart while I carried Evelyn. Last year I sat in the front row of our suite with empty arms, bracing myself for the wave of pain I knew I would feel when Selah came onto the stage. The wave came crashing, and my mom wept silently with me over the daughter I will not see again on earth. It tasted bitter, but as I drank in the music, my heart healed a little more. This year as Women of Faith started, the very first song was embellished by petite ballerinas, dancing sweetly and elegantly for their Father. I sat in the front row again, this time with my arms warm with a beautiful little girl that God has loaned to me. This year the wave that hit me was actually more like a whisper (isn't it incredible h...

Grateful Acres

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