I had one of those moments today. I was sitting in a cold, empty church all by myself, tuning a piano. {This particular piano is my Achilles heel!} My brain began to make a downward spiral that went something like this:
I felt like I got up and went to work today, which feels odd/not good odd- I would never go back to work full time unless extreme circumstances forced me to- the only extreme circumstances I can think of are if my husband died-wow it would be terrible in so many ways if my husband died- what would I do? how would I still be home with my kids? UNNECESSARY MENTAL CRISIS!
{my family has experienced an unusual amount of loss through death in the last few years, which is I think why this became so emotional for me}
After some time attempting to wrestle my brain back to logical logic, I called my husband and told him I love him. I hoped that would end my downward spiral, but down, down I went again! As I was test-playing the piano, my fingers wandered back to the hymn I played/sang for my husband at our wedding, "Oh, How He loves you and me". As I sat there and played, I was reminded that GOD LOVES ME! ...and then my fingers wandered to the chorus that I wrote to go along with that hymn, one line of which said, "it raises the hairs on my skin to think about my life without you". When I wrote that line, I was thinking of how crazy it was to think about how different my life would have been had I not met Josh- I was not thinking about if I lost him. All of a sudden, in my state of mind and having the experiences I now have, that line took on a new meaning. BUT my fingers wandered back to the hymn, and slowly my head returned to the right place: God loves me. Bad things happen in life because of sin, but regardless, God loves me. And knowing that He loves me, good/bad or ugly, we get through. I was reminded that my identity is not in the people God has gifted me with- my identity is in Him. My CALLING is to love the people God has given me, and my IDENTITY is in Him.
I love that God is aware of my occasional mental, downward spirals. And I love that He cares enough to guide my fingers, and my heart, back to Him.
**thanks, Mom, for watching the boys while I tuned today!
***and side note- this is not the piano I tuned today. This is the one I WISHED I was tuning :)
Your words give me a lot to think about. I completely understand where you are coming from. Thanks for your honesty!
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, we have a piano that needs tuning. How much do you charge?
I love reading your thoughts. They are always full of thought, and usually have little bits of wisdom and revelation. (c: God DOES love us! AND He ALWAYS takes care of us...Even when we do that crazy cycle in our heads of "Can I make it?! Really?! But, what if....???" I've been reminded of this also today, softly from His voice in other areas of my life. God is SO good. (c:
ReplyDeleteThanks again for sharing, Anna! (c:
Can't wait to hear that piano on Sunday. (c:
Thanks, ladies. I did realize after this last post that my writing has been fairly... serious! I don't want to be always serious, even just on my blog, so it is my intention to share joy and laughter along the way, too!
ReplyDeleteAngela: for a standard tuning I charge $70. If you'd like to set something up, you can email me at piannastuning@gmail.com --thanks!