One

The night before her first birthday I had some trouble. I nursed her extra long, and then held her long after she had fallen asleep. Around eleven-thirty I finally mustered up the resolve to bring her up to her bed... but that's as far as I got. In the dark I held, and rocked, her sleeping body. I felt each little breath, squeezed her growing legs, brushed her wispy hair away from her eyes. I rocked her, though she was way past conscious, hanging on to the last minutes of her first year. I stood over her crib and squeezed her little footie-pajama'd body, and my eyes began to sting. I don't want this to end! It's gone too fast. Please, just a little more baby-time with her...

Finally I laid her down and closed her door, marking the end of a beautiful, indescribable first year with my daughter.

We gave her a baby doll for her first birthday. It brought back memories of my own baby doll. I remember exactly what mine looked like, and much detail of the dress I kept her in. The dress was covered in tiny, blue rosebuds, and her head, arms and legs were real-looking plastic. Her body was skin colored fabric, stuffed with stuffing except for her bum which was beans. I remember the little dimples in her fingers and elbows, her painted blue eyes and pink lips. I remember how it felt to hold her, and the curious connection to my future that I felt when I played with her. I knew that playing with a baby doll was different than legos or coloring books, but as a child that difference was intangible.

The other day I handed Ruby her baby doll, and she grabbed it with both hands. She wrapped her little arms around it and stuffed it up close to her face. Then the kids and I went out for a walk and I let Ruby keep the doll with her in the stroller. She kept it hugged up close, and you could see she felt something. Occasionally she would dangle it out the side by one arm, but then yank it up to her and hug it close again, and the same look would appear on her face. She feels that mystery that I felt!

Each time I see Roo hug her babydoll, it reminds me that there is SO MUCH to come. I still ache a little, knowing the baby months are fleeting, but the glimpses into the coming years of girl-hood help me to let go.

Headlong into her second year, we plunge!