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Slowly, patiently, firsthand

My oh my it's been awhile!  I've been away for several reasons:

One, it's difficult to type while nursing. :)

Two, there have been only brief, unexpected moments lately where my house and my heart are quiet enough to write.

God has been walking so, so closely. So close that I feel Him calling daily, so close that I'm addicted to our time together. It's new for me, this craving Him more than anything else.

He's teaching me how to pray like a warrior- with my sword drawn. He's lingering nearby to watch me battle in His name, whispering over and over that He has already won... that I am a warrior not for fear of defeat, but for the shaping of my own heart. And because He won for ME, He wants me to learn to claim His territory.

The battle is in my mind: a mixture of daily, REAL things, and thoughts/feelings that don't belong.

7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

I've been wrestling to claim that "power", "love", and "sound mind" that belongs to me. Fear hides it's self in crafty, inconspicuous ways... fear of failure, fear of messing up my kids, fear of hard things, fear of crazy, overwhelming, everyone-crying-at-once moments, fear of being unappreciated, fear of being judged, fear of acknowledging to the world how intensely difficult raising 4 kids and all that comes with adult life can be, fear of being passed by, passed over, left out. 

I stand taller, bolder, victorious when I am wielding my sword in prayer. I walk more in unison with my Creator when I have participated in the battle. In seasons where I have known that He was (notice the past tense) victorious at the cross, but passively chosen not to claim that for TODAY, I have been so vulnerable to those sneaky fears. In creep the lies, in tiny little ways, and slowly my head gets noisier...

"This is so hard, you must be doing it wrong. Other moms enjoy every day with their kids, and all you do is train and teach and clean. Your husband doesn't know or appreciate all you do. Your life is harder than other peoples. "

Part of my battle is asking God daily to teach me to hear only His voice. All of those things are lies, but oh, so believable when I lose focus. Any one of those thoughts sends me awry, which sends my kids awry, and unplugs my prayer/encouragement support for my husband. If I believe one, just one, then I start to see only the clutter, disorder, the difficult, and begin to accidentally speak death and failure into all my endeavors.

I'm addicted to time with God because it puts everything back into place. I can lean in to who He is, and my shortcomings don't matter anymore. He has become a friend, a mentor, a safe place, the meaning behind everything. His love and grace are barely describable, and most definitely not of this world.

Slowly, patiently, firsthand, He is teaching me His ways, and I'm blown away.

What a mighty God we serve!

 


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