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I don't kno-ow



Her tiny little legs pulled up to her chin, and that fluffy yellow hair flopped down over the rest of her frame. All the feelings a little peanut could possibly feel came bubbling out her shaking shoulders and her big round eyes.
What's wrong Peanut?
"I don't kno-ow", she sobbed.
Did you get hurt?
"I don't kno-ow"
Did you do something naughty?
"I don't kno-ow"

This is so me. Feeling all the feelings and all I've got to say for myself is "I don't kno-ow". 

Finally I dug out enough clues to see what happened, and then the clarity came.
"I felt embarrassed, Mama."

Oh, this is me too. I really, really don't like being embarrassed. I don't like that moment when someone is looking (or MIGHT be), and I'm not sure if I did something wrong or if I got hurt or even what actually happened.

One of those trails of confusing emotion in me is weaved all around the output of creating. The blog has laid quiet, all current and past songs are between the two blue covers of my songwriting book. When I look down at my wings, in the stillness I see pockets of rest, but big portions of ugly, discouraging atrophe. 

This morning the Lord reminded me of something I had spoken on in seasons past. I sat on the stool next to the lamp and spoke about filling the depths of our "secret place" with the Lord fuller and deeper than the amount we pour out on stage. I poured passion into the importance of reserving huge portions of our inner life as sacred, for God-and-I-only. We all agreed that worship leading (or blog writing or speaking or...) must be the OVERFLOW of a deep well of time and rich interaction between us and the Lord. We saw the folly in only drawing from the Lord what we plan to preach or sing, and no more. 

This is where a face-palm emoji should be placed. 

He wants me to return to that deep well. If the blog is stopped-up and the little blue book is dusty, and the places I used to pour out are taken away- that is not reason to stop up the flow of the life inside. It's time to practice what I preach, and JOYFULLY draw from Him just to be filled. My "I don't kno-ow" feelings on this one have actually been the tension between wanting to overflow but NOT wanting to fully engage in just being filled. Part of truly being filled is resting. If I stop at the faucet just long enough to get a swallow of water in my cup, there is no overflow. 

Some of the first lyrics I wrote... 

MORE THAN my needs
MORE THAN my dreams
I want to know You. 

Oh goodness. This is where I must go again.

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 28, 2019 at 1:46 PM

    Jesus is the only on in this life who says " Come to me...." everyone else says go away I have enough of my own stuff to deal with! Matthew 11:28

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mel MellFebruary 28, 2019 at 3:09 PM

    ❤️❤️❤️

    ReplyDelete

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