Tonight the boys grabbed their blankies and snuggled up next to me on the floor, in our empty room upstairs. The room was going to be Evelyn's room, but now it has morphed into a quiet, soothing place to be: we have some of our favorite antique furniture in it, and on evenings like tonight, beautiful scarlet sunsets come gently through the white sheer curtains.
Jonathan laid on my left, next to the window, and Henry snuggled up on my right. In my heart I felt so blessed, so at peace, and I thought briefly of the little pink bundle that was not next to me, tucked under my arms with my other children. The thought was going to be only brief and fleeting, but Josh was sitting on our little yellow couch playing some music through his laptop for us, and he picked a song that jerked my heart a different direction.
The song began talking about grief and loss, tears... and then went on, "Nothing is wasted... in the hands of our redeemer, nothing is wasted..." The song went on to talk about ashes, and how they would turn to joy... My breath stopped short in my chest. This was especially significant because Evelyn was cremated. I held on to my breath, knowing when I let it go it would come with tears.
Jonathan heard me gasping as I held it back,
"You sad, Mommy?"
Yeah... I miss Baby Evelyn.
"It's okay, Momma, she's coming back."
No, Jonathan. She's not, I whispered through my now freeflowing tears.
"But we're gonna go in a helicopter and see her again! It's okay, Momma!"
Yes, you're right. I'm just sad because I have to wait awhile.
"oh. I'm takin' care of you, Momma."
The song faded and Josh picked an upbeat, insignificant one next.
"You happy now, Momma?"
Yeah, I'm okay.
"It's okay, Momma. We're gonna see baby Evelyn. She's cute. I'm gonna see her and say 'oh, here ya go' " -he gestures toward me- " Momma I'm takin' care of you, an Daddy's takin' care of you, and Henry."
You're such a sweet boy, Jonathan, and I'm so grateful.
Here are the lyrics, and I recommend you watch the video Josh posted to FB from YouTube of Jason Gray singing his song:
The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
... Will seed the ground where joy will grow
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
A little tiny pink spot will be always missing in this life, but "from the ashes, beauty will rise". What and incredible God we serve, able to redeem the deepest of sorrows.
Jonathan laid on my left, next to the window, and Henry snuggled up on my right. In my heart I felt so blessed, so at peace, and I thought briefly of the little pink bundle that was not next to me, tucked under my arms with my other children. The thought was going to be only brief and fleeting, but Josh was sitting on our little yellow couch playing some music through his laptop for us, and he picked a song that jerked my heart a different direction.
The song began talking about grief and loss, tears... and then went on, "Nothing is wasted... in the hands of our redeemer, nothing is wasted..." The song went on to talk about ashes, and how they would turn to joy... My breath stopped short in my chest. This was especially significant because Evelyn was cremated. I held on to my breath, knowing when I let it go it would come with tears.
Jonathan heard me gasping as I held it back,
"You sad, Mommy?"
Yeah... I miss Baby Evelyn.
"It's okay, Momma, she's coming back."
No, Jonathan. She's not, I whispered through my now freeflowing tears.
"But we're gonna go in a helicopter and see her again! It's okay, Momma!"
Yes, you're right. I'm just sad because I have to wait awhile.
"oh. I'm takin' care of you, Momma."
The song faded and Josh picked an upbeat, insignificant one next.
"You happy now, Momma?"
Yeah, I'm okay.
"It's okay, Momma. We're gonna see baby Evelyn. She's cute. I'm gonna see her and say 'oh, here ya go' " -he gestures toward me- " Momma I'm takin' care of you, an Daddy's takin' care of you, and Henry."
You're such a sweet boy, Jonathan, and I'm so grateful.
Here are the lyrics, and I recommend you watch the video Josh posted to FB from YouTube of Jason Gray singing his song:
The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
... Will seed the ground where joy will grow
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
A little tiny pink spot will be always missing in this life, but "from the ashes, beauty will rise". What and incredible God we serve, able to redeem the deepest of sorrows.
Amazing woman of God Anna...your boys are surely a glimpse of what heaven will be like in those moments of "from the mouth of babes". Treasure every moment and know it is okay to cry...it helps the heart heal. I am always thinking about you and your family! I love you guys and will give the shirt off my back for you at any moment! Stay true to yourself and others and all the imprints you leave on others will all be God's way of showing a little piece of who Evelyn was through you!! Love you so much Parkin family! Prayers for your peace tonight and good rest!
ReplyDeleteAnna, You are such a beautiful women of God and through such heart break you have unweavering faith in our Lord. You are such an inspiration to so many. Your boys are such a blessing and I am so glad they help give you joy and peace in midst of such heartache. I love you girl and am so sorry for what you and your family have gone through and are daily struggling with. I know it can't be easy but thank you so much for sharing your story and constant struggle and ultimatley your love for Jesus Christ.
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