Hi! Today I spent the day with my mom and the ladies from her church, at Women of Faith. Since you weren't there, I thought I'd share my experience with you :)
Honestly, I came into it a little skeptical. I SO don't like cheesy, "christian-ese" stuff, and I'm not really into large groups of women crying all day. (Which is not how it was- just to clarify.)
I was the youngest of our group, with the exception of one other young mom. Most of the women I have grow up knowing- they watched me grow from pig-tails to bell-bottoms (what?? at church??) to worship team as a teen, to getting engaged... many of them came to my wedding, and ALL of them hear stories about my boys from Grandma. :)
The day began with meeting a new member of their group, a woman scheduled to be the speaker for their women's retreat in January. I'll be going as their worship leader, and we were introduced to eachother so that we can start forming a team. She was such a sweet woman, and I like her. She told me a bit about herself, she's Mom to two boys, and she was shocked to hear that I am married and also have two boys! It's been a little while since someone has thought I was way younger than I am (used to happen ALL the time).
The conference began with lots of estrogen-filled praise music, and the introduction of the speakers for the day. Patsy Clairmont (HILARIOUS.), Sandi Patti, Selah and Mandisa were there...
I managed to steer clear of much crying, with one exception.
A handful of you sent me links to music videos of the band Selah, and Angie Smith (wife of lead singer of Selah)'s blog while I was pregnant with Evelyn. I have emailed back and forth with Angie Smith a few times, because she shares my story. Not exact, but very, very close. Selah has a song that perfectly expresses what I felt while carrying Evelyn, called "I will carry you", written about Angie while she was carrying the little girl she lost. Selah is a big part of why I went to Women of Faith this year, and as they came on stage, I sat with my elbows on my knees, chin in my hands, leaning in with anticipation.
Selah opened with an upbeat song, and then made a round of introductions. Todd (Angie Smith's husband) told us that he is married to Angie, and that they have 5 daughters. "Abby and Ellie are 8, Sarah-Kate is 5, and our youngest is 1 1/2." He paused, and went on, "And our 4th, Aubrey, would be 3." That's about all he said, but I know the rest.
At this point my heart was already pounding, and I had frozen in the position I was in. I think I was bracing for the emotion I knew would come, as they began a more serious song. They weren't singing "I will carry you", but that's where my heart was. Evelyn had been on my heart since the moment I woke up this morning, knowing Selah would be there today, and wishing I had a two-month-old daughter attached to me instead of sharing that deep thread of meaningful sorrow with Todd and Angie Smith.
My mom can sense what I'm feeling, and she reached over to put her arm on my back, and with no words or movement, we cried together. I shut my eyes, because I didn't want to take in both the sounds AND the sights of the reminder of my loss. I just breathed, felt my pain, and asked my Creator to kiss my sweet girl for me. I miss that girl, so much sometimes.
I'm still processing how to introduce MY family. Todd had a microphone, and an audience, and rehearsed words. Today when I told my new friend about my family, I only told her about my boys... and I wish I had smoothly and concisely listed all three of my children.
Sometimes I feel like I can do that without putting the person I'm talking to into a weird place, and other times I freeze. I know I've seen and felt things that most people haven't, because I didn't have a choice, and I worry about making other people experience a tiny bit of my story, if they aren't ready for it. It's not that I'm not willing to talk about my little girl, it's that I worry that what I have to say will make other people feel awkward.
I would love to know your thoughts. I'm still processing this part of moving forward, and I would love, love to know what you think. Inwardly, what would your response be, if I told you, " I have two boys at home, and one girl in heaven."?
...and a little note to my Mom:
It meant so much that you were willing to cry with me today. It was perfect. You didn't try to offer any solution or consolation, you just stayed near me and shared my moment. I want you to know that you don't need to feel like you have to be strong for me- it means SO much that you are willing to SHARE in my pain.
~
One of the biggest things I took away from today's conference was not the teaching, the music, the fellowship... it was how blessed I am to have all of you. So many women there were so isolated, so lonely, so hurting and broken. I have my lot of sadness and difficulties in my life, but I feel SO well taken care of. Thank you, to you ladies that share your hearts with me on a regular basis, and let me share mine. Thank you, to my church that walks beside my family and speaks confidence into our ministries. And thank you, to my Creator who blessed me with an incredible husband, my wild, sweet Jonathan, my sweet noise-box Henry, and for a short time, HIS beautiful Evelyn Rose.
II Corinth. 5:5-7
"Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. "
Honestly, I came into it a little skeptical. I SO don't like cheesy, "christian-ese" stuff, and I'm not really into large groups of women crying all day. (Which is not how it was- just to clarify.)
I was the youngest of our group, with the exception of one other young mom. Most of the women I have grow up knowing- they watched me grow from pig-tails to bell-bottoms (what?? at church??) to worship team as a teen, to getting engaged... many of them came to my wedding, and ALL of them hear stories about my boys from Grandma. :)
The day began with meeting a new member of their group, a woman scheduled to be the speaker for their women's retreat in January. I'll be going as their worship leader, and we were introduced to eachother so that we can start forming a team. She was such a sweet woman, and I like her. She told me a bit about herself, she's Mom to two boys, and she was shocked to hear that I am married and also have two boys! It's been a little while since someone has thought I was way younger than I am (used to happen ALL the time).
The conference began with lots of estrogen-filled praise music, and the introduction of the speakers for the day. Patsy Clairmont (HILARIOUS.), Sandi Patti, Selah and Mandisa were there...
I managed to steer clear of much crying, with one exception.
A handful of you sent me links to music videos of the band Selah, and Angie Smith (wife of lead singer of Selah)'s blog while I was pregnant with Evelyn. I have emailed back and forth with Angie Smith a few times, because she shares my story. Not exact, but very, very close. Selah has a song that perfectly expresses what I felt while carrying Evelyn, called "I will carry you", written about Angie while she was carrying the little girl she lost. Selah is a big part of why I went to Women of Faith this year, and as they came on stage, I sat with my elbows on my knees, chin in my hands, leaning in with anticipation.
Selah opened with an upbeat song, and then made a round of introductions. Todd (Angie Smith's husband) told us that he is married to Angie, and that they have 5 daughters. "Abby and Ellie are 8, Sarah-Kate is 5, and our youngest is 1 1/2." He paused, and went on, "And our 4th, Aubrey, would be 3." That's about all he said, but I know the rest.
At this point my heart was already pounding, and I had frozen in the position I was in. I think I was bracing for the emotion I knew would come, as they began a more serious song. They weren't singing "I will carry you", but that's where my heart was. Evelyn had been on my heart since the moment I woke up this morning, knowing Selah would be there today, and wishing I had a two-month-old daughter attached to me instead of sharing that deep thread of meaningful sorrow with Todd and Angie Smith.
My mom can sense what I'm feeling, and she reached over to put her arm on my back, and with no words or movement, we cried together. I shut my eyes, because I didn't want to take in both the sounds AND the sights of the reminder of my loss. I just breathed, felt my pain, and asked my Creator to kiss my sweet girl for me. I miss that girl, so much sometimes.
I'm still processing how to introduce MY family. Todd had a microphone, and an audience, and rehearsed words. Today when I told my new friend about my family, I only told her about my boys... and I wish I had smoothly and concisely listed all three of my children.
Sometimes I feel like I can do that without putting the person I'm talking to into a weird place, and other times I freeze. I know I've seen and felt things that most people haven't, because I didn't have a choice, and I worry about making other people experience a tiny bit of my story, if they aren't ready for it. It's not that I'm not willing to talk about my little girl, it's that I worry that what I have to say will make other people feel awkward.
I would love to know your thoughts. I'm still processing this part of moving forward, and I would love, love to know what you think. Inwardly, what would your response be, if I told you, " I have two boys at home, and one girl in heaven."?
...and a little note to my Mom:
It meant so much that you were willing to cry with me today. It was perfect. You didn't try to offer any solution or consolation, you just stayed near me and shared my moment. I want you to know that you don't need to feel like you have to be strong for me- it means SO much that you are willing to SHARE in my pain.
~
One of the biggest things I took away from today's conference was not the teaching, the music, the fellowship... it was how blessed I am to have all of you. So many women there were so isolated, so lonely, so hurting and broken. I have my lot of sadness and difficulties in my life, but I feel SO well taken care of. Thank you, to you ladies that share your hearts with me on a regular basis, and let me share mine. Thank you, to my church that walks beside my family and speaks confidence into our ministries. And thank you, to my Creator who blessed me with an incredible husband, my wild, sweet Jonathan, my sweet noise-box Henry, and for a short time, HIS beautiful Evelyn Rose.
II Corinth. 5:5-7
"Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. "
I'm really glad you were able to go to Women of Faith and be blessed by Selah/Angie in particular. I so often struggle with those same questions - over 2 1/2 years later - sometimes answering the question about children talking about Alethia and other times not. But whenever I don't mention her I always wish afterwards that I would've. Evelyn's life is precious and she will always be remembered.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Charity- I think of you often.
ReplyDeleteAnna. I think that you should talk about Evelyn whenever she is on your heart. Just share your heart. If someone is uncomfortable, you will be able to tell. You can then tell them that you didn't mean to make them feel uncomfortable, or just change the subject. I would venture to say that most pet owners talk about the pets that they have lost and Evelyn is MUCH more valuable than a pet. :-) Love you!
ReplyDelete