Grateful Acres

As I write this, I'm sitting eating chocolate, and feeling very female, and a little bit pregnant. :) I do have peace about little Evelyn. God is in control. ...but some days are still hard. Yesterday I felt a little... melancholy. After I put the kids to bed, I let my heart and mind face what I had been avoiding all day: fear and grief. I let my mind think about the worst possibilities-- the thought of birthing a baby that held no life, the unknown length of time that I get to carry her (could be another day, or could be 4 more months), and what scares me the most is if she beats the medical odds and lives past birth, but only for a few months and with great deformity. Part of me would be grateful for each moment I would get to see her, be with her, care for her- and part of me thinks that maybe my heart couldn't handle that much grief- this time is hard, and I imagine that would be even more so: the attachment and letting go. By the time my husband got home from Youth Group ...

Evelyn has changed everything. She has changed the way I think, the way I see my boys, the way I approach people, and most importantly she has changed my understanding of the depth of God's love. Yesterday the teacher at our church taught on John 3:16... which I have heard hundreds of times. BUT- yesterday (and today!), and from now on, it means more to me. The verse says this, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son..." WHAT?!?! I've heard that, quoted that, referenced that, but now, being asked to give up one of MY children, I see just a little more deeply how God loves me. Having felt the searing pain of being asked to give up a child, my response is so different to reading again that God CHOSE to give up His only child! ...and for me, the little girl I'm being asked to give up will go straight from the safety of my womb to the permanent safety of His arms (unless God gives us a miracle!). But for God, when He gave up Jesus, He sent Him here, kn...

It's time to write about Evelyn Rose. We knew I was pregnant around Thanksgiving 2010 (no test, we just knew!). We waited to tell family until Christmas, and had our first Dr. appointment in January '11. In march we had an ultrasound and discovered we were having a girl! After a couple hours of high excitement and celebration over our coming baby girl, I received a phone call from our Doctor. She had hard news for me- that our little girl was very small, and her brain was not forming right. We scheduled an ultrasound with a specialist, and prayed deeply for a week, for healing. During that week I prepared myself for a miracle, and also reached a place where I was overjoyed to take care of her, regardless of her condition. I did not prepare myself to lose her. At our next appointment we met with a "genetic counselor", and I let most of what she said roll off of me, thinking it would not apply to us. We loved seeing her during the ultrasound- her feet, hands, face, eye...

I sat down to read a little tonight (which is unusual, usually I read in the morning and FB/blog at night), and opened to Isaiah 65. I found a section that struck me, right where I'm at right now, and also resonated with the last few years of my life. Here's most of it: ch. 65:17-24ish "(God) will create a new heaven & a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. Be glad and rejoice forever in what (God) will create... the sound of weeping and crying will be heard no more. Never again will there be and infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years... People will build houses and dwell in them; they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit. No longer will they build houses and others live in them, or plant and others eat. For as the days of a tree, so will be the days of (God's) people; (God's) chosen ones will long enjoy the works of their hands. They will not toil in vein or bear children ...

{ I feel I've been spared in the area of awful poop/throwup stories, in the mom-world. I have my share of stories that probably shouldn't be swapped over dinner, but nothing to blog about... until today. My poop stories begin! A little back-ground info first: Jonathan is 2/3 of the way through potty training. He is consistently keeping underwear dry all day, but I'd been putting him in diapers for sleeping while he got the hang of the whole potty/underwear thing. Recently I've been working on having him sleep in underwear, but during the few weeks of diapers in bed, he has been waiting to poop until he knows he's in a diaper... which is only in his bed. So, consistently, 20-30 minutes after I put him to bed, "mama, I poopy...". A few days ago he got out of bed by himself and when I discovered him he told me, "mama, I poop. I put diaper in potty." He had pooped, taken off his diaper, dumped the poop in the toilet, and thrown the diaper in too! (h...

This photo ended up looking like a mug shot, which was not my intention! ...cutest little line-up I've ever seen, though :) The story behind these pictures was actually a few days ago. Jonathan was awake in his bed during naptime, much longer than normal- whispering. Normally I let him whisper for a few minutes and if he takes longer than normal to settle in (like this day), then I go in and ask him to stop. When I went in, he had been playing with his Teddy, Clifford and Puppy. I asked him what he was doing and he looked up and said, "I kissa-wobby, mama!". To which I replied... "you're what??" "I kissa-wobby!". Translation: Christopher Robin! He had been in his bed playing with his animals, pretending he was Christopher Robin! I couldn't really take a photo of that, since I was trying to discourage not-sleeping, so when he stuffed the bottoms of his little animals through the crib this morning, I saw my chance! A couple of cute, sweet moments...

Have you ever read the Pooh Bear story where Pooh gets lots in the woods? He keeps walking and walking, trying his best to go in a straight line... hoping to find his way. He starts to realize that he keeps passing the same spot over and over- going in circles! I felt that way in church today, and I often feel that way when I sit down to write a blog entry. The sermon today was about the "circle of spiritual formation", about how we stay in a cycle of conviction, growth, allowing the Spirit room in our hearts, and around again, deeper and deeper toward God. Sometimes I feel like Pooh, revisiting the same spot in the woods without intending to-- walking in circles. However, while the circle of growth often gets exhausting and sometimes discouraging, there are some things I don't mind doing over and over again. Most of you know that Josh and I are awaiting the birth of our 3rd child (T-29 weeks)- and carrying, birthing, and raising a child are things I am VERY excited to d...