Grateful Acres

We are celebrating Jonathan's 3rd birthday today! Jonathan still lets/wants me to rock him before bed, and when I was rocking him recently I was thinking about when I rocked him as an infant... and how at the time I couldn't imagine him as big as he is now... Another thought about rocking, very much related: The boys are still adjusting to our new place, and with Henry that means he wants "upa?" even more than normal (to be carried). I've been racing around like a wild-woman trying to get our house unpacked before all the birthday parties this weekend, so on the particular day I'm thinking of, I didn't initially want to take the time to pause my racing and hold Henry. I had turned on a CD in the kitchen, hoping the calming songs would soothe my wild boys into playing in a bit more contained, less destructive manner. I stood in the kitchen and complied with Henry's "upa?" request, and started rocking to the music. He nestled in, and we liste...

This weekend my little family and I went garage sale-ing. I (and my husband!) love garage sale-ing, and now my 3yr old boy loves it too! (He grasped Grandma by the shoulders a few days ago, put his little face right up to hers and exclaimed, "Gramma! I could go to garage sales wis you???") Happily sale-ing along, we got hit by surprise. We were digging through a pile of kids toys, and the host of the sale came up to us and started to tell us that the money from the sale was to help pay for the medical bills of a baby that was still-born. We got rather solemly quiet as we listened to her... she went on to tell us that it was a baby girl, lost a year ago. After a damp, heavy silence, my husband spoke to tell her that we lost ours a month ago. (One month today, as I write this) I couldn't breathe again as I was reminded of my open wound. I had sunglasses on so she couldn't see my tears, but I think she could sense it. She froze, and apologized for our loss... This takes ...

These pictures have nothing to do with this post... they are just pictures of a rare, sweet moment that happened recently. My boys hardly ever sit still, and definitely not long enough to snuggle with eachother. HOWEVER, they were SO tired after 2 hours in their pool that they sunk into eachother as they had juice and enjoyed a veggie tales. I simply had to take pictures :) Anyway... I've learned recently that hard things are often not for the person going through them. I realized this by seeing that Evelyn's life was not intended for me... her life was for many, many others. When I learned I was carrying a little girl, my heart lept with a sudden list of thing I wanted to experience with her: ponytails, dolls, dresses, nail painting, watching her Daddy love a little girl and her brothers protect a little sister, and for me- the hope of a dear, forever friend. It's been quite the process to let go of the memories I won't have with her, and to replace them with the sweet...

Yesterday Jonathan, Henry and I went for a glorious walk in the sunshine. Both of them had just gotten up from a great nap, and were well rested,fed, bright eyed and bushy (haired!). Henry was in the stroller and Jonathan walked beside him, with his hand resting on the stroller tray. We hadn't walked very far when Jonathan looked over at Henry and said affectionately, "Hey, buddy." ...if my heart hadn't already melted, Jonathan then proceeded to look back at me and say, "I love you Mommy. I could be a good boy, and you could be happy Momma." Definitely a moment I want to remember forever. As we walked, I thought about how a little boy's curiosity is at it's best outdoors. Henry's curiosity is expressed right now by getting into everything, and Jonathan's through questions: what's that momma, what does it do momma, why does it do that momma, where's it going momma, where did it go momma? (in that order.) While we were walking, H wasn...

I had a thought today: "peace" does not mean that we don't feel pain. Today I had to leave church for a few minutes. I've been feeling a little heavy on the inside (which I think is partially post-pregnancy hormone changes), and this morning it came to the surface. Some of the announcements at church today were really good news. I felt joy for the families with good news, but at the same time I felt the contrast of that joy sitting right next to the pain in my heart. I went outside to take a breath of fresh air and sort out my reaction. I was confused at how good news could make me feel joy and pain at the same time. I sat out in the cool air, alone with my God. I've been praying for peace through all this, and God has been giving it to me. But it does still hurt. As I sat outside, I thought about my recent hospital experience, and about the physical pain I felt during labor. I thought about when I called for my epidural for pain relief... and then I thought abo...

{my heart just seems to be too full to put fully into words... I can't express my gratitude enough for you who are walking with me, and I can't describe to you what I wish I could share. I encourage you to click on the pictures to see them up close- the pictures share the moments much more deeply than words... Admittedly I've been putting off this post. My heart has been spilling over with things I want to write to all of you, but something about sitting down to type those things into text, words, and to collect pictures, is so... real. The things I have physically felt, seen, and emotionally tried to process in the last few days have been so undeniably real. Labor pains, seeing the brokenness of my daughter's tiny body, and now arranging for burial, I simply cannot tuck away in my heart to be dealt with another time. I can't think fluffy thoughts for a little while and pretend life is normal for a bit... I need my God more now than I ever have. Nothi...

If we haven't been for the last 10 or so weeks, right now we are preparing to say goodbye. I heard a whisper in the second before my Dr. placed the ultrasound wand on my belly this afternoon, "she is with Me." I saw her tiny body on the screen and noticed how still she seemed. I held my breath, my heart pounding as we looked for her heart beat. None. She is at rest with her Creator. Soon I will see my beautiful daughter's face. To the world's standards, her body will be very broken. But to God's standards, we will see beauty because she has lived her purpose: to point in honor to her Creator. Pray that my body will have the strength to let my heart treasure each moment we get with her body. To God be the glory!