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Epidural

I had a thought today: "peace" does not mean that we don't feel pain.

Today I had to leave church for a few minutes. I've been feeling a little heavy on the inside (which I think is partially post-pregnancy hormone changes), and this morning it came to the surface.
Some of the announcements at church today were really good news. I felt joy for the families with good news, but at the same time I felt the contrast of that joy sitting right next to the pain in my heart. I went outside to take a breath of fresh air and sort out my reaction. I was confused at how good news could make me feel joy and pain at the same time. I sat out in the cool air, alone with my God.
I've been praying for peace through all this, and God has been giving it to me. But it does still hurt. As I sat outside, I thought about my recent hospital experience, and about the physical pain I felt during labor. I thought about when I called for my epidural for pain relief... and then I thought about how I often have called out to God to relieve the pain in my heart.
Epidurals are incredible. As contractions increase and the pain of each one increases, the idea of a HUGE needle going into my back (which, if they miss, could paralyze me), starts to not sound so scary. During labor I reach a point where the only thing that matters to me is that the pain go away- right. now. The anesthesiologists can put an epidural in usually inbetween 2 or 3 contractions, and once it's in I feel one last one, and then nothing. My body relaxes so much at that point that I can sleep, and the sudden relaxation seems to make baby come faster.
Peace, for me right now, is not like that. I know that God is in control of my life. I know with my whole heart that He loves me more than I can comprehend. I know that God will never hang me out to dry, and I run to Him daily. I've been asking Him to give me a life-epidural, to make me feel nothing for a little while. But that's not what "peace" means right now.
"Peace" means that in the middle of my pain, I can know that the pain will never swallow me. I can know that it's okay to hurt, to not be afraid of hurt, because I WILL GET THROUGH WITH HOPE BECAUSE OF THE GOD THAT WALKS WITH ME. Peace is not lack of pain, it's lack of fear. And peace means that I can be happy for others in the middle of my own hardships.

Okay, so I had two thoughts today. Here's thought #2. Evelyn lived her purpose: to point to her creator. I often forget that that is MY purpose too, and I get wrapped up in the details of life. My CALLING is to be a wife and mommy, but my PURPOSE is to point to my creator. (that's your purpose too.) I still have tons of things I don't understand about life, prayer, God... but I know He created me, loves me deeply, and has promised to never leave me. I also know that my purpose in life is to point to Him. The peace I have during times of pain is the same peace I have during times of question.
I'm so glad to know who I am, and what I was created for. If you don't know who you are and what you were created for, find out. Don't waste any time chasing life. Chase God.

Comments

  1. Wow Anna! I just love how REAL you are and how honest you are with yourself and others! That beauty within you is a true gift of God and I am so greatful I was able to give you a hug today at church...to be honest I was a little nervous at first as well...not exactly sure where your feelings were today and how fragile you may have been so please forgive me for any awkwardness I may have shown...I just want you to know I love you guys and continue to pray for healing along with my husband who feels a deep sense of pain for you and Josh through all of this. You are a very strong family and God will use you all to help others in grieving situations and I can see a great future for you! :) It was really nice to see your smiles today!

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